You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
#inspiration #foodforthought
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet