There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are