Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
opening twitter today
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
the three branches of government
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Every work call, he judges.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.