The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Meanwhile in Portland…
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*has no idea what a book even is*
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
🤣
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.