[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”