me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.