Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”