when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
no one likes gloating
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
This is not me but this is me