I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.