“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING