[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase