Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
You Might Also Like
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?