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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Oceanography is all about current events
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.