While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.