I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”