Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Social Media and Real life
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no