Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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Fiction has to make sense.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
A classic…
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.