Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Have a lovely day 😊
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”