5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
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If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.