Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.