[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
tinder is all about the long game
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.