Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people