The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.