Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
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When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.