me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.