I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?