Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]