Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.