Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
We decided to have money instead of children.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.