searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.