Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
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me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.