hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Bloody internet 😳
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters