Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
You Might Also Like
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.