*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My dad teaching me to drive
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.