If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
You Might Also Like
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Haha! 😂
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake