-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
adding to the discourse
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”