it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose