The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.