My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Welcome to the stomach
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
This kid will have a bright future.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand