Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?