Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?