Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
What?!?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.