What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows