Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Lube but for my dry humor.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”