Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.