up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud