Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
You Might Also Like
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Sniffing the broccoli
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach