Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.