Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille