You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”